Marriage Fight
I don’t know anyone who likes fighting with their spouse, but everyone I know does it to one degree or another. Ultimately, spousal fussing boils down to one party feeling like they’re going to have to stick up for what they want because the other one ignores their needs. Often this is true as the sun is hot. The other party, often oblivious to their behavior, is aided by the revelation that they are not all that caring (made worse by their obliviousness) and feels the need to defend themselves as though their uncaring attitude were somehow justified by their workload, the kids, or some other nonsense. That’s how wars start.
Of course there are exceptions. Emergencies happen. Perhaps you’ve noticed, however, that if a tough season is acknowledged and communicated clearly (in love), it passes more smoothly. If one spouse assumes the other one can process what’s going on without clear communication, they invite offense and bickering.
The Bible is loaded with instruction to break destructive cycles. I’ll offer a verse that explains the root cause of arguing along with a few key verses for husbands and the same for wives.
If you’re in a fussy marriage, the temptation will be to focus on how poorly your spouse attends to their responsibilities. Don’t fall in that trap! Attend to yourself, then ask your spouse if they’d like to calmly, non-defensively discuss how God’s word will help you avoid bickering. You know, let’s act like adults.
First, the root of the problem is spelled out in James 4:1-6: What causes conflicts and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the passions at war within you? You crave what you do not have; you kill and covet but are unable to obtain it. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask. And when you do ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may squander it on your pleasures.
You adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore, whoever chooses to be a friend of the world renders himself an enemy of God. Or do you think the Scripture says without reason that the Spirit He caused to dwell in us yearns with envy? But He gives us more grace. This is why it says: (Proverbs 3:34) “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
So, we see that it is love for the world that pushes God away, and it is humility that brings God close. Love for the world causes one to think of themselves, and that is the acid eroding marriages. Therefore, we see that Jesus’ commands to deny yourself and love as I have loved you will not only draw us to God but also improve relationships (Luke 9:23, John 13:34).
Biblically, a husband exemplifies selfless living. A few verses explain how.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).
Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).
The first verse is the hardest. It sets the tone for sacrificial love. It does not advise a man to care nothing for himself but willingly to sacrifice his desires in favor of God’s will as Jesus did.
Second, he greatly values his wife. I’ve known guys who treated their boat better than their wife, and she noticed! The man who is inconsiderate toward his wife finds God ignoring him and his wife falling into all sorts of muddy thinking.
The Proverbs teach wisdom, so the man who treats his wife like the gift she is on the road to becoming wise. The one who treats her otherwise is among the world’s great fools. Man, your wife is the clearest evidence you have of God’s favor. A guy who wants a younger model is cursed by worldliness—his lust got the best of him. The one who sees his wife as among God’s greatest gifts is the one who pleases God. One does not fuss with an excellent gift.
There is much more to be said, but our space is limited. Let’s leave it that a wise husband puts his love into action so that his wife can see it. He cares for her needs more than his own (Philippians 2:4). The biblical wife has the same attitude.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22).
[Older wives] can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, managers of their households, kind, and subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be discredited (Titus 2:4-5).
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives (1 Peter 3:1).
Anyone who thinks submission is easy has not done much of it. It is easier to submit to one’s husband if the woman first submits to God. I admit that the submission thing often gets out of control, but it never will if the husband leads the whole family to submit to God. He is her model, but she must follow. The women who won’t submit have fallen prey to the world’s scheme, and their lives will be tumultuous.
Second, we see that part of what God wants to do is to create role models out of godly wives. When the wife does what God says she is blessed by every promise the Bible holds. When she doesn’t, it gives rebels and Satan a foothold to discredit God’s word. Do not overlook the consequence of disobedience—the children see!
Third, while a woman will never argue her husband into heaven, she will win him over with her kindness. It’s as simple as that, and I am living proof. My wife won me over to Christ by acting like a Christian. Nothing more complicated led me to consider God’s word, which led me to God’s grace. I am blessed above all men by God’s gift of a wife who knows how to behave.
Again, here is much more to be said, and I invite you to do your own Bible study. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you what you need to know. A wise wife puts her love into action so that her husband, dumb as he may be, cannot miss it. A wise husband models loving action because love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).
